As an Ohioan, I feel the need to weigh in on the (potential?) candidacy of Jerry Springer for the U.S. Senate in 2004.
Geez, where to start? I remember as a young sprat learning that this guy on TV who pitted stripper against transsexual and let them have at each other was once the mayor of Cincinnati. My response went something like "The hell? What's wrong with that place?"
Then it occurred to me that he was mayor before the Jerry Springer Show. OK, so that problem settled itself.
But then this whole Senate-run thing came up (a while ago, admittedly -- I remember hearing something about it at least six months ago), and this forces me to defend my home state. Kind of like Robert E. Lee -- he didn't like the choice put before him, but he chose sweet Virginny.
I remember Jonah Goldberg's now-infamous quote regarding the Springer Senate run. He said on CNN, "To me this proves that voter turnout is not this glorious thing…because if Jerry Springer shows up, he'll bring all these new people to the polls, they will be slack-jawed yokels, hicks, weirdoes, pervs, and whatnot."
To me, like to Jonah, it seems obvious he's not talking about your typical Ohio voter, but rather the typical Jerry Springer guest -- as if a Springer Senate bid would draw those types to the polls in droves to vote for the Ringmaster. And maybe it would, but on this one I'm with Jonah -- I think we as a republic would be better off if they just didn't vote at all. But hey, we can't stop them from voting, and if they think Senator Jerry would be a triumphant moment in the American electoral process, then there's nothing we can do.
The above link points to Jonah's G-File posted today about the whole "controversy" surrounding what Jonah said. It's been misinterpreted in about ten different ways, even though he's not been as explicit as I have in saying that the average Springer show participant has no place at the wonderful smorgasboard we call representative American democracy.
All joking aside, I don't think Ohioans are going to be taken in by this, which seems to me to be the political equivalent of sitcom "stunt casting" -- you know, when Sean Penn shows up on Friends or whatnot. Ohioans are fairly conservative as a whole -- except for the big-city dwellers, maybe -- and I don't think we'll want to be seen as the state that has a sleazy TV talk show host for a representative in Washington.
But I'm scared, Sarge -- I'm scared that in this day and age, when celebrity culture seems to dominate every aspect of the media, public life and debate, and you name it, that Springer might win on name recognition alone, or on the "Wouldn't that be a trip" factor. Or that solid ol' George Voinovich might look sort of like a stick-in-the-mud compared with this slick sharpie Springer.
Hell, there are any number of ways Springer might eke something out. But like I said, I doubt it...and, as I sit here not 60 miles from Hicksville, Ohio -- the place where Jerry's kicking the whole thing off, leaning up against a post to show his solidarity with us yokels from fly-over country -- I can't help but think the worst. At least the residents of Hicksville get that it wasn't Goldberg who's poking fun, and that it's Springer who's trying to get them to look bad. Read some of the "testimonials" at Springer's official campaign site and see who you think gets the big picture.
Come on, Ohioans! Don't do this to yourselves.

Anyone ever seen one of those cats with thumbs? Man, they're weird. We got one recently, and I keep bolting awake at night, hearing someone (or something) trying to open my door. Upon inspection, it's just the cat, but believe you me...I've got my eye on him.
Maybe I'm just a little jumpy after seeing 28 Days Later... twice.
What a great flick. Now, I love me some Danny Boyle -- well, that's not entirely true, I guess. I love SOME Danny Boyle. Shallow Grave? Sweet. Trainspotting? An ATF (all-time favorite), to be sure.
But A Life Less Ordinary? The Beach? Biscuit.
What really chaps me is The Beach, and how good that could have been. What a great book by one Mr. Alex Garland.
Now, my friend Dave will tell you all sorts of things about me and The Beach -- how I read it every time I come over, how I sit there and coo at it like it's "the one true book" (tm Dave)...all that's well and good (and possibly true), but my God, that movie sucks. A total injustice to good source material everywhere.
I can just imagine evil movie execs hunched over the book with red pens (red right hands?), slashing out entire parts. "OK, first all, he's English. Well, now he's American. And it says here that the beautiful girl never hooks up with him. Well, scratch that too. She does."
Not to mention the end. Whereas the book descends into a hellish, bloody end that showcases the darker sides of human nature, the movie ends with fake video games and people emailing pictures to each other, like it was the best Spring Break Ever! Total shat.
So naturally, I was apprehensive when I saw that Danny Boyle and Alex Garland had again joined forces to make a movie, not to mention the fact that it looked to be a tired crack at a worn-out genre (the zombie flick).
But man, was I wrong. And I'm glad I was.
The movie is simply fantastic. Sure, they're not really zombies (they're infected with RAGE! GASP!), and the ending seems a bit tacked on ("We're saved!"), but other than that, I seriously dug this movie.
The first time I saw it, I was literally fidgeting, twisting, and nervously gripping my seat. It was that intense and suspenseful for me. And violence onscreen doesn't bug me at all. My favorite movie is A Clockwork Orange, followed closely by GoodFellas, for God's sake.
No, it was the suspense that was killing me. And the only thing that can bring that much suspense to a movie is a killer script and top-notch direction. The opening scenes build masterfully, and never let you off the hook.
Boyle also has the wherewithal to throw a sop or two to the George Romero zombie flicks (the grocery scene, the tunnel scene, and so forth) to placate the real zombie flick fans. But the movie is by no means a retread. It's just...well, great.
How many times do I have to say it? Chekc out Rotten Tomatoes if you don't believe me.